You’ve probably heard about it, and you’ve definitely experienced it:
Women TEST men that they are romantically interested in.
In fact, if a woman is NOT testing you, then chances are she’s not interested in you sexually.
Tests can be playful and sarcastic or downright angry and mean– but the one thing they have in common is that they are automatic, subconscious, and genetically wired into us as humans.
The points when a woman is most likely to test you are when you first meet and/or when you first start making your sexual intentions clear… and then they start up again with a vengeance at just the point when she realizes that she really likes you and things are getting serious.
Tests also arise during your relationship when she feels insecure OR when you feel insecure (like when life hands you a serious set-back, e.g., losing your job), which can really feel like getting kicked when you’re down.
Today’s example is one that every man in a relationship has experienced:
Everything is cool and fun with a woman you are dating, but as soon as things get more serious she turns… well… CRAZY!
It can totally blind-side you if you don’t know how to handle it. And she will STAY crazy until you either pass the test or the relationship crashes.
But that’s not going to be an issue for YOU anymore, because I’m going to tell you exactly how to get through it fast, easy, and like a champ…
I recently got a version of this question from a man who wrote to me because his girlfriend, who he loves very much, was freaking out and he feared that he was losing her.
Here are the facts he related:
– They used to date casually and see other people, and they always had a great time. But she was always “second choice” for him when there wasn’t someone new around…
– Then one day he realized that he had an absolutely great girl right in front of him and that he’d been taking her for granted, and he invited her into a more serious relationship… HAPPINESS!
– One day they have a misunderstanding when he is out with friends and she accuses him of lying about it. He feels hurt and indignant about being called a liar and says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks he’s a liar! A big fight ensues, and he says some mean things that he regrets…
– Afterwards, when everyone cools off, they realize the entire thing was a misunderstanding, they both acknowledge their wrongs, and apologize…
– But now the intimacy is messed up, she rarely wants sex, and seems distant and cold. She says that she still feels traumatized by him breaking up with her and his angry words.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship, the basic outline of this probably sounds pretty familiar. When things go from casual to serious, which you think is what she wants, she freaks out.
Here’s how I replied to him:
It’s simply the most common pattern on Earth. As soon as the stakes become higher, we all get more easily triggered as there is now an investment on the table that we can lose.
Casual relationships aren’t so emotionally triggering, but when we add trust and a measure of surrender to the relationship, the thoughts of lies and betrayals now suddenly have the potential to humiliate us and hurt us… except…
None of that is TRUE. It just FEELS that way.
For younger couples this is usually more pronounced: Little jealousies and insecurities that started as just a little doubt can blow up into big fights over nothing.
More experience in relationships begins to give you an easy attitude towards these triggering feelings. You know they aren’t real and you can smile at them with some self-humor.
Women have strong subconscious patterns for testing us when intimacy grows. Learning to pass these tests makes relationships easy, calm, and more loving.
She’s emotionally investing in you now, so the tests will come.
IMPORTANT FACT (that most men just can’t keep straight):
Tests aren’t intentional, they aren’t stupid, they aren’t mean or distrustful…
They come from a deep wisdom in her feminine body as an accurate way to learn how YOU behave under pressure… particularly relationship pressure that might have you leave her when she is with a baby– a very real and life-threatening situation in the natural world that her biology is constantly sorting for.
In the past she was “always second” in your life. Now she is investing and building something with you. She fears that you have lied (and btw, humans DO lie — it’s 100% certain that some day she’ll catch you in a real lie, so it’s worth building these skills NOW). So she feels insecurity, gets triggered, and tests you by calling you a liar, attacking you verbally.
The test is to see if you’ll stand in the fire with her or leave her. It sucks to be called a liar even when you’re guilty… when you’re innocent it’s just outrageous!
You “failed” that test.
That’s why it’s hard for her to recover now. She’s lost some trust in you because, unfair as it sounds, you got as emotional as she did. Worse, you pulled the, “I want to break up!” trigger.
Now I’ll tell you something, and it’s not to “show off,” or prove that I’m a special Buddha with super powers far beyond the ken of mortal men… but there’s no way I would have failed that test.
Because I have studied this and PRACTICED it, I would have responded to that exact situation with easy, calm love. I would have waited for her tantrum to die down. I would have held her and convinced her with an unphased, calm smile that it was okay for her to be upset, okay for her to feel insecurity under the circumstance, and that I’d be here waiting and loving her whenever she was ready.
Of course it took me quite a few years to learn how to do that trick congruently, and I hope you’ll learn it a lot faster!
When you don’t make her wrong for having emotions she’ll emotionally mature quickly, and she won’t lose her temper anymore. She’ll stop attacking completely…
AND… she’ll learn how to manage YOUR irrational emotions when they come up too (and baby, trust me, we men get stupid sometimes too).
Here comes the big brain-fry insight for you: Her now being traumatized and shutting herself off to you is ALSO A TEST.
And this test has to be bigger, because her biology is attempting to figure out if the first test was a false negative. Her biology is saying, “great, we’ve all apologized now, but how do I know he won’t say he wants to break up again the next time I get emotional?”
btw, the easy-peazy way to pass THHIS test is to tell her that you will continue to be a human and have emotional outbursts in the future (though the plan is to keep calm and loving in tough situations), and so will she… but that you will never again break up with her over it. You will never again value “not being called a liar” more than you value her love.
The secret, of course, is that YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT WHEN YOU SAY IT.
You have to be filled with calm certainty and love. And to do THAT trick, you will have to actually increase your level of commitment to the relationship, for real… which you may not be ready to take on, and which is a very serious life decision.
In other words, the best way to pass tests in a relationship is to actually be the man that she is testing for.
src: Alex Allman